Modified Ramen – You Suck at Cooking (episode 80)

September 10, 2019 0 By Ronny Jaskolski


According to the internet, if you’re in college, you’re required to survive off this stuff. So you can save money – by sacrificing your health, while accumulating debt for a degree you won’t use for a job that will be done by robots by the time you don’t graduate because you realize you’re in the wrong program two years too late, but it doesn’t matter because climate change is gonna destroy us all. Yay education 😀 *lit intro song* The first thing you want to do when you’re making instant ramen is check for WABS. That’s “Weak Ass Broth Syndrome.” Just make the broth and give it a taste. If you’ve got WABS, then there’s two ways to address it. One: You can add more flavour with some bullion. You can also just start with bullion and ditch that flavor pack altogether. Or shove it in your roommate’s stank-ass shoes. Two: you can add less water. Or… subtract more water. I usually use about half the recommended water, because I’m a bit of a maniac. If you don’t own a measuring cup, one tall can holds two cups of beer, which is the equivalent of two cups of water. Our first modified ramen is poached eggs, which is great for breakfast or literally any other time at all. The first thing you want to do is steal a scallion from your roommate. Slip one out of the bag, snap a leaf off your roommate’s house plant, then roll it up and replace it. Then just tape a weed onto the plant and they’ll never ever know. Then grab a couple eggs… which are taped to the ceiling of your fridge to keep your roommates from stealing from you. Now chop up that scallion and dream about a time in the future when you’ve graduated and you can finally buy a knife that’s sharp. Boil the water, adjust the broth to combat WABS, add in the scallions, cook the noodz until they’re soft, Crack in the eggs, then cover with a lid until they’re nicely poached. These are nicely overcooked, but that’s just fine. [WHISPERING]
I still love you…. The next recipe is spicy peanut broccoli, which will help you through your two-week vegetarian phase. We’re gonna combat WABS by creating a whole new flavor. We’re gonna go with the veggie chemical pack, a teaspoon of hot sauce, and one to two tablespoons of natural peanut butter. A handful of scallions, we’ll smash up some broccoli and throw a handful of that in there, get the noodles in there and use a bit of aggression to take the edge off the vegetarianism. Once it’s boiled for a couple minutes, grab a bowl and- –Uuuugh, gross. When you live with roommates, you can’t let stuff like this slide. You’ve got to be a good proactive communicator. “Dear [CENSORED] face, RUDE!!! -one of your roommates, but I’m not gonna say who.” Some people are honestly just so inconsiderate. And I got a bit distracted and boiled off too much of the water but honestly It’s still amazing and I highly recommend trying this one. To be successful in college means staying organized. Before you go to bed, make a list of what you’re gonna accomplish in the morning. Pick out the clothes you’re gonna wear the next day, and above all, do not have that first dri- [LOUD RAVE MUSIC]
WAAAAUUUGGGHHH [LOUD RAVE MUSIC] Owww, my head. Okay, alright, everyone makes mistakes. You gotta regroup and just make sure you do- [RAVE MUSIC CONTINUES] [DRUNKENLY MUMBLED]
I lug youiii siiiiii mich [ALARM CLOCK]
-Ooouch…. To get rid of your hangover, start with the Pedialyte latte, and then we’re gonna make hangover ramen. We’re gonna fry up some chopped bacon, bring one cup of water to a boil, cooled off fried bacon, A tablespoon of salted butter and a bunch of grated parmesan. Now get the noodles in and cook it down till it’s a hundred percent artery cement. Not to be confused with baking cement. [CRUNCH]
Mmm, baking cement. The reason this helps with a hangover is because the grease and fat help the guilt to slide right out of your body. And I feel so much better I’m gonna work on my startup because I know my degree isn’t going anywhere, but my dot-com is gonna blow up, I’m sure of it. For a day of heavy coding, I like to use a veggie pack, a tablespoon of Indian curry paste, a handful of scallions, (don’t judge, just accept it, they make everything better) and a half can of chickpeas. The company I’m building is called wash-email-chine. You know how hard it is to get quarters at a laundromat? Well, for a monthly fee we mail you a washing machine with the quarters already inside it so you can just wash your clothes then send it back with the provided envelope. Also if you suck at chopsticks and forks, Grab a pair of scissors and snip up the noodles to make them super spoon-friendly. This last one is great for a date. With yourself. As long as you’re not still vegetarian. Throw in a beef packet, add in a wack load of spinach which has infinite shrinkability potentials so go nuts. Throw in the noodz until they’re soft, then chop up some steak, throw that in and let it cook for a minute. I can hear the barbecue purists from here. “Oh, I wouldn’t be caught dead boiling steak.” Well, you’re not wrong, I mean if you’re dead, you’re not gonna boil anything. By the way, this one’s 100% keto friendly… provided you only eat the steak. Keep in mind this isn’t just a square of precooked noodles. This is a palette of opportunity with infinite potential. Just like the infinite potential of your own life, which you are mostly wasting on the internet, just like the rest of us. But at least we’re wasting our lives together. But seriously, let’s all try to get outside more, or at least watch more videos that were shot there. Ramen. I want to thank Hello Fresh for sponsoring this video, if you haven’t heard of them then, A: you probably live here, and B: they’re a meal kit subscription service that makes it super easy to just cook and eat without the stress of having to go out in public. One of the many ways they make it simple is the pre-measured ingredients which means you’re not gonna have a bottle of weird vinegar sitting in your cupboard for four years because you wanted to make that thing that time. The meals are designed so you can make them in around 30 minutes, it’s also great for getting out of your comfort zone if you want to learn to cook new things. I learn new stuff every time I get a box and that’s my favorite thing about it. If you’re a parent and your kids have gone off to college, there’s no better way to show them you love them than by sending them money. But if you love them slightly less than that, well… for $60 off that’s $20 off your first three boxes. Go to hellofresh.com and enter code YSAC60.