John Cena Becomes a Guidance Counselor for High Schoolers

October 25, 2019 0 By Ronny Jaskolski


Last week John Cena
was here, and I thought since he’s been a
professional wrestler for so long, naturally the
next career stop for him is high school
guidance counselor. So I sent him to a local school
to help some teenagers figure out what they want to
do with their lives. Here’s what happened. [DOOR OPENS] [GASPING] John Cena! Oh my god! Wow! [LAUGHING] Oh my god! How are you? Hi. My name is John Cena. I am your new
guidance counselor. I am willing to bet your old
guidance counselor did not have a PhD in kicking ass. [LAUGHING] So I’m here to talk to
you guys about like, what you wanna do with your life. Wait a second. You a cop? [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] You are 38 years old, [CLASS LAUGHING] and this is a high school. You sure you’re in
the right place? Yeah, I’m pretty sure. Let’s just get down
to brass tacks, I hope you don’t mind talking
about this stuff in front of a group. So, what do you wanna do? I wanna major in music. What do you wanna do? I wanna be a nurse. What do you wanna do? I wanna to be a psychologist
and maybe play volleyball. You tryin’ to mess with
my mind and play sports at the same time? How are your grades? What’s your GPA? I have a 3.1. 3.5 4.0. So none of you are dumb, right? No. No. No, it’s cool, I
mean, if you are dumb it’s not
gonna hold you back because I’m one
of those folks who are dumb and somehow weaseled
through the system and made it. Me, George Clooney, Jean-Claude
Van Damme, Michael Strahan, like, there’s a group of us. [CLASS LAUGHING] How much you bench? How much you bench? Uh, I don’t bench. How much you bench? I don’t bench either. It’s all right. You got something to say, 5-0? [CLASS LAUGHING] I maxed out at 275 last year. Last year how old were you? [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Uh, 17. Plus 20? Good, no problem. [CLASS LAUGHING] Where do you guys see
yourselves five years from now? Computer scientist. Well, I wanna go to med school. So what– I mean, what
about six years from now? College. How about 12 years from now? Uh, residency. OK, back to six. Yeah, college. 25. Hopefully I’m a
plastic surgeon– Minus 4. Um, still a plastic surgeon. That’s pretty good,
pretty standard fare. All right, pretty focused. When you guys
moving out of home? When I go to college. When you go to college, yeah,
but you’re still gonna like, crash at home during
vacation, and then when you’re done
with college, you’ll be like, ah, my student loans,
and you’re gonna crash at home. So what’s a good
age to move out? 40? I mean, are you
still living at home? No, I’m on my own. OK, because I’m– still
am in the room I grew up in, my dad’s cool with it. He’s not but I mean, whatever. [CLASS LAUGHING] So do we buy a house here? Do you guys all wanna to
move out of California? Do you wanna stay? Yeah. Yeah? Smokey, not so much you? Yeah. Going back to Connecticut
PD where it all started. Yup, he’s working
the desk, hoping to get a night shift,
maybe some overtime. Yeah, he had a good
partner back then. What is the scariest thing
about what lies ahead? You end up not
doing what you love so you live the rest of your
life depressed and stuff. So how does that happen? How do you end up doing that? Maybe you get trapped. You get trapped because of you. Always try to do
what you love, and I think it’s always possible,
it’s just a matter of sacrifice. Sometimes you gotta go
through some hard things to get to do what you love
at the end, but believe me when I tell you,
when you do what you love for a living
it is not work, so try not ever to get trapped. [AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING] Thank you, John. You can see John in Bumblebee,
opening December 21st.