Hollywood Stars Caught Bribing College Admissions | The Daily Show

Hollywood Stars Caught Bribing College Admissions | The Daily Show

September 1, 2019 100 By Ronny Jaskolski


This story is a bombshell,
all right? Dozens of rich parents,
including Hollywood actors, accused of straight up bribing
their kids’ way into college. I mean, some of these parents
allegedly paid up to $6.5 million, which is insane. Honestly,
for that amount of money, just buy a smarter kid. Now, the alleged mastermind
of this entire scheme is a man named William Singer,
right? Parents paid him millions
of dollars, and then he spread
those bribes around. REPORTER:
According to prosecutors, the scheme involved
two kinds of fraud, parents paying
a college prep organization to help their children cheat
on SAT or ACT exams and others paying to
allegedly bribe college coaches to help admit the students
as athletes regardless
of their athletic skill. REPORTER 2: Singer went as far
as to Photoshop kids’ pictures into sporting events, even made up
athletic achievements. REPORTER 3: In one instance,
a parent sending this photo showing their daughter playing
water polo in high school. But, in fact,
the photo was another student. Whoo-wee! The balls on these people, to just literally Photoshop
their kids’ faces on to the bodies
of real athletes. And I also can’t believe
nobody noticed this. ‘Cause the parent
was just there, like, “We’re so proud
of our little Joshua. “He is, like– Here he is during
the state championship game. “And here he is in the spring, when he won the gold medal
at the track meet.” So, reportedly, reportedly, these college coaches
would take bribes to pretend that they needed these non-athletes
on their teams. And then once
the kids got into the school, the kids would just never play.
Yeah. You know what I think?
I think the perfect punishment for these coaches
would be forcing them to compete with a team full of all the fake
athletes that they recruited. Yeah. That should be
the punishment. -(cheering and applause)
-And then… and then, on top of that,
on top of that, we say that they have to win
the championship or all of them go to jail. Yeah. It would be, like, a really
uninspiring Disney movie. “From the makers
of The Mighty Ducks comes The Wealthy Dicks.” I think it has potential, guys.
I really think it does. And, now, there’s some people
out there who might sympathize
with these parents, you know? They might be saying, like,
every parent wants the best for their kids, which is true. Every parent does want
the best for their kids. I mean, except for prairie dogs,
you know? Yeah. No, because prairie dogs eat
their young. Yeah. Oh, don’t “aw” me. This is the animal kingdom.
It’s brutal. Yeah. This is real life.
It’s not like The Lion King– warthogs friends with lions. No. In real life,
Simba would be face-deep in Pumbaa’s intestines, all
right? That’s how it would be. Yeah. Hakuna matata, my ass. That warthog would have
a lot of matatas, my friend. Anyway, my point is, before you feel sympathy
for these parents for just wanting the best
for their kids, remember that these kids already
had so many advantages, right? They went
to the best high schools. They could easily afford tutors
and extracurriculars, but, clearly,
it still wasn’t enough. I mean, these parents
are shameless. Like, they’re literally
on Shameless. Oh, and here’s another reason. Here’s another reason you shouldn’t feel bad
for these parents– because it turns out, a lot
of them are a bunch of dicks. WOMAN: Marcie Palatella told
Confidential Witness One, her and her spouse
“laugh every day” about how grateful they were
for CW One’s services. “We’re, like,
it was worth every cent.” WOMAN 2: A wiretapped transcript
details a father and Singer
creating a plan to trick USC into thinking his son was
a football kicker. The father laughing,
telling Singer, “That’s just totally
hilarious,” admitting his son’s high school
“doesn’t have a football team.” MAN: The FBI says some parents
disguised their payments to Singer as contributions
to a charity he ran so they could deduct the
payments on their income taxes. -Wow. Wow.
-(audience groaning) So not only were they laughing
about scamming these schools. It turns out
they were also scamming the IRS. How greedy can a person be? ‘Cause I mean, they’re already
committing bribery. And then on top of that,
they claim it was to charity to get their bribes back
from the IRS? Like,
they just added a bonus crime to the crime
that they already committed. That was not necessary. It’s like you’re robbing a bank,
and then, on the way out, you start stealing the pens.
“While I’m here. -Mah.”
-(laughter) So these parents could be facing
some pretty serious time. And knowing them,
they’re probably trying to bribe their way
into the best prisons, you know. They’ll be like, “Why should you
accept me into your prison? “Well, I actually
ran the library at Shawshank. “Here’s a photo
of me doing that, so, uh…” (laughter, applause) “I think you should let me in.” Obviously…
obviously I’m joking. None of these rich people are
actually gonna go to prison. Come on.
No, I’m being serious. At worst, they’re probably
gonna get community service. Yeah. Like, they’ll have to pick
up trash in Beverly Hills. Be like, “Uh-huh, “another hundred dollar bill
on the ground. Uh-huh. So dirty.” So, honestly, I won’t lie. I don’t feel any sympathy
for these parents. But their kids,
on the other hand… Their kids–
that’s another story. Because according
to prosecutors, most of the kids had no idea that their parents took part
in this scheme. And this is such a shitty way
to find out that your parents think
you’re a dumb-ass. (laughter) Because they paid
to make your life easier. Like,
if I was one of these kids, now I would be questioning
everything good that happens to me in life. Like, if one of my good-looking
classmates hit on me, I’d be like,
“You don’t really like me. “You’re just my dad in a wig. “Give me that hair!
Give me that hair! “Give me that…”
(imitates tearing sound) “Aah, aah, aah!
Oh, wow. It was real. “Uh, Dad, I did it again. I need you to bail me out.”