Are They 100 Percent Narcissist??
Welcome back. This is Kim Saeed of KimSaeed.com
and in today’s video I’m going to be answering the burning question that I see all over the
Internet and that is, How can I be sure that someone is 100% narcissist? Make sure you
stay until the end because I’m going to be sharing some really helpful links for you.
And if you haven’t subscribed yet, make sure you do that right now. Just click the little
bell because that is going to tell youtube to notify you when I publish a new video.
Otherwise, you’ll never know. So onto today’s video, how can I be sure they are 100% narcissist?
okay, so the first thing we want to cover is what do you really think being 100% narcissist
would look like? If you look back in history, even the most horrific serial killers were
not always 100% evil, so we can’t really go by the fact that sometimes someone is appearing
to be somewhat kind or nice narcissists have all kinds of tricks in their bag that they
use to fool you into thinking that maybe they’re just a tortured soul who needs your special
kind of love and understanding. This is why it is so commonly known that narcissists tend
to prey on empathic people or Empaths because Empaths who haven’t really successfully implemented
their boundaries yet or learned how to protect their energy are often easier targets for
narcissistic people. And by the way, no judgment because I have been that way for most of my
life. I have since learned to put up boundaries
against anything that drains my energy and in situations where I do need to be there
for someone, I have learned how to protect my energy to ground myself and also how to
cleanse and purify my my aura or my energy field afterwards. What does being 100% narcissist
even look like? There’s really no way to tell. I think where a lot of people get confused
is when they’re going through checklists and there are some good ones and there are some
not so good ones out there. I would generally recommend using the DSM criteria, but that’s
really just a scratch on a surface because, it doesn’t really tell you exactly how they use those
particular traits to abuse people. It just says HOW they are. So if you’re looking at
someone you’re trying to figure out, are they really a narcissist or are they one hundred
percent narcissist, it doesn’t really matter. What we need to start realizing is we don’t
need to slap a label on someone to justify leaving a relationship, and I’m talking about
any kind of relationship, whether it is a romantic partner, a friend, a family member,
a coworker, and sometimes unfortunately people do have to break free from their own family
members. Because someone has shown seeming moments of kindness or consideration does
not mean that they were sincere during those times. And it also doesn’t mean that because
they were nice last week when they fixed you a pasta dinner, that they’re not an abusive
narcissist. A lot of narcissists are very generous and caring and considerate until
you start trying to put up boundaries or until you start pointing out the things that they’re
doing and the reason they become angry is because they want to condition you not to
bring up the fact that they have been cruel or abusive.
So what that might look like in practical measures is if someone has repeatedly lied
to you, if someone has been unfaithful to you numerous times, and they keep making promises
that they’re going to stop and then you find out they never stopped, or maybe they’re extremely
verbally and emotionally abusive and they particularly do this when it’s just the two
of you alone together. What that might look like is, you know, some, some of the more
garden variety types of narcissists don’t care about their appearance, so they might
act a little wacky just checking out at the grocery store with you. They might say things
that are really kind of unacceptable to you right in front of someone. Usually it’s someone
who the narcissist deems as lower than they are. So in those cases they might feel a little
more comfortable showing their true colors and really it’s to make you feel ashamed,
but not all narcissists do that. A lot of times they look like the pillar of
their community. They might do a lot of volunteer work, which is called the altruistic
narcissist, but behind closed doors you get this really weird vibe from them and that’s
when they feel comfortable being verbally and emotionally abusive. That’s where they
tend to shame you. So we don’t need a a label in order to break free from a relationship.
You want to start looking at how the relationship makes you feel on a regular and continuous
basis. And I like to compare it to a climate. What is your relationship climate? Do you
have mostly sunny skies, maybe a little wind here a couple of times a month, maybe a tsunami
a few times a year. And things are resolved in a respectable and reciprocal manner. Everyone
calms down and comes back together as friends and as respecting partners or friends, or whatever
the case may be. But if it’s the opposite, if there are volcanoes
you know, erupting every other day and you’re constantly putting out fires and there are
tsunamis and hurricanes going on all the time, but you had one day or two days during the
month where things seemed a little smooth, you don’t want to focus on the two days. That
is how we get ourselves into trouble is when we are not able to really look at the reality
of the situation. So if someone is really, really awful, 90% of the time you don’t want
to focus on the 10% because the thing you need to keep in mind is that most often the
nice times when the narcissist seems like they’re being kind or considerate or generous,
that is an integrated part of the abuse. That’s what causes the cognitive dissonance. It’s
what causes you to doubt yourself in it and to doubt whether or not they’re actually abusive.
It kind of ties into that intermittent reinforcement, or as I like to call it, the hurt and rescue
cycle. So they go along and they’re doing really hurtful things. They’re giving you
the silent treatment. They’re lying, they’re cheating, and then all of a sudden they come
back. Oh honey, I just can’t make it without you. You’re in my blood. I can’t imagine my
life without you. Please come back. I’ve promised things are going to be different this time.
I promise I’m going to treat you the way you deserve. Does that sound familiar? It probably
does. Now there are a small percentage of narcissistic people who don’t do the romantic
Hoover, but most of them do because we as impasse or as compassionate and caring, people
want to be able to see and believe that there is good in everyone, but that’s not always
the case. If you’ve ever heard me talking about cognitive
empathy or maybe you’ve read one of my articles that I wrote on it, cognitive empathy is a
very dangerous kind of empathy that narcissists use to get inside your head. Find out what
your deepest dreams, desires, and also your deepest fears are your deepest wounds so that
they know better how to hurt you. Cognitive empathy is used by torturers cult leaders
and even car salesman. So when you think the narcissist is being nice or kind, it’s usually
a charade. So you definitely want to keep those things in mind. So the question is not
are they 100% narcissist? The question should be, how do I feel inside this relationship
on a regular basis? What is the relationship climate? Now a person who truly cares about
you is not going to try to shame you. Another way that you can gauge whether someone is
exhibiting narcissistic traits is things were super romantic, fun, exciting and adventurous
in the beginning of the relationship and you felt like you had this connection that you
have never ever felt with anyone else. And then that lasted maybe three to six months
or so. And then all of a sudden the little digs about your appearance, the way you dress.
Maybe you’ve put on a few pounds, a person who truly cares about you and considers you
a friend or a lover. They’re not going to make you feel ashamed. Some may even feel
you know, a little closer to you. Maybe they feel like when you put on a few pounds. So
that means you really happy and the relationship that happens a lot, a relationship with a
narcissist is really fun and exciting and cool in the beginning and then over time you
feel less of yourself, you feel less confident, you feel less attractive and even less intelligent.
You start to feel like people that you have known in your whole life suddenly are looking
at you in a different light. Now that may be true.
There might be some people close to you who are looking at you when you’re talking about
your relationship and they’re like, oh my God, I can’t even believe you’re telling me
this and maybe you’re acting as though I can’t really tell if it’s really that bad and your
friends looking at you like what that means. You have started to normalize the abuse and
to normalize the dysfunction. That is a blueprint dynamic of a narcissistic relationship. Also
keep in mind that in a regular relationship with non disordered people, that beginning
of the relationship might be fun but you might not have a connection right away. It might
take a little while for you to build up a friendship and then as time goes on, you feel
more comfortable with that person. You feel better about opening up. They’re not ridiculing
you, they’re not using your deepest fears and desires and dreams and wishes against
you. They’re not using the things you told them
as ammunition to break you down. So those are the things you really want to focus on.
Not whether someone is 100% in our success. Because look at people like Hitler. I mean
look at the things he did, but he’s, he reportedly did not drink alcohol. I know that there are
so many different theories and stories out there, but according to one of his personal
assistant, he didn’t even eat meat. He didn’t like the slaughter of animals. So there you
have it. Those are the things you should be looking at. Instead of focusing on whether
someone is 100% narcissist because someone might seem to have one or two good traits.
Does it make them a good person? Start tracking and monitoring your relationship climate just
like you do the weather. And then after a few weeks, sit down and figure out what is
the reality of the situation? Have you started to normalize abusive behaviors?
Are you trying to make excuses and justify someone’s bad behaviors towards you? Because
you have that, that dream that, that wish that the relationship might work out somehow?
You’ve got to remember that we have to deal with the trauma bonding. We have to deal with
a biochemical addictions desk. What makes leaving so difficult? But once you get out
and you start to heal, you’ll, you’ll begin to realize that everything was live chaos
and basically just the circus. So there you have it. What if they’re not 100% narcissists?
After watching this video? If you feel like your relationship is toxic, make sure you
check the links down in the description box below because I’ve included lots of really
helpful links for you to help you start moving forward and detaching from painful relationships.
And I’ll see you in the next video.